“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” ~~ Paulo Coehlo
“If you are not long, I will wait for you all my life.” ~~ Oscar Wilde ~~
I’m slowly learning that when I ask a man a question, I should never take offense and worry when they don’t answer me. There are those who answer immediately. Then there are those who, after you opened your heart and soul, you expressed your innermost thoughts, sit and say nothing. Or, if you are on the phone or chatting with them online, change the subject or say they have to go. Or they excuse themselves and leave the room! When this first happened to me–well, not the first time, but many–I was absolutely mortified. I had said too much. I had shared something too intimate. I had spoken too soon. Had I embarrassed him? Had I hit a nerve somewhere? Oh, dear heavens, why on earth did I say that?
What kinds of things did I say? Scary things, like I love you. You have touched my life in so many ways and I am so grateful to you. You have the cutest bottom. I think about you all the time. You are the most important person in my life. I am IN love with you. When I am in meetings and should be paying attention. I am daydreaming about you kissing me. I feel your hands on my body. I see great things ahead for us. I love you so much. I can’t stop thinking about you. Scary things. VERY scary things.
I lived sometimes for days in a state of wondering where my relationship stood. In ways, things went on just as always. He was still talking to me. Our phone calls and conversations went on as usual. There seemed to be no changes at all. But I was hurt. I had shared my secrets, my thoughts, my longings, my deepest feelings. And nothing! Yes, there was something different about the relationship–me! The pain of opening myself up to him, not knowing how it would be received, then to be met with silence, was agony beyond belief.
I worried nonstop. Should I ask him? No, I feared I would be afraid of his response. He would have decided he wanted nothing more to do with me. I had said something too soon and he wasn’t ready at all. He would want to slow down the relationship–or quit seeing me altogether. He would think what I had said was silly and treat it as a joke. Would he ever say anything, after all this time? Would he? Oh, my Lord, he might! But he hasn’t. Maybe he won’t at all. Because he hasn’t said anything yet, does he just want to cover it up and pretend it never happened? But it came from my soul! How dare he just think it meant nothing and just sweep it under the carpet! Was he the right one after all if he could just dismiss what I had said? Maybe I was wrong. He ISN’T the right one! How cruel is he to just push this away and treat it as if it never happened. Nope. I should just forget him. I should just wash that man right outta my hair.
But he seems SO right. He knows just when to rub my neck or my feet. Without asking, he will just start massaging, until I purr with contentment. He brings me chocolate, my favorite chocolate, from my favorite candy store. He even knows which, out of all the varieties, are the four I love the most. He calls me during the day, just for a second or two, just to say he’s thinking about me. He sends books to my Kindle, knowing my favorite authors and the types of books I am looking for. He emails me links to love songs. He kisses me in just the right place, knowing instinctively I love to be kissed there, that it melts me every time he does. The way he looks at me when I walk into a room, even when it is full of others, that I have brought light into the room. He sees no one but me. He tells me, sweetly, kindly, how beautiful I am. He smiles that brilliant grin that I have only seen directed to me.
Oh, man. I blew it. I should never have said a thing to him, never opened up. But I just knew he would understand me, as he has before. Am I worrying too much? No! Why hasn’t he said something to me? He should know how important this was. He hates me.
I have heard it said that women worry more about what men are thinking than men actually spend time thinking. So, this time, am I over-thinking this? Am I making too much of this? Had he even heard my innermost, personal, intimate thoughts? Maybe he hadn’t. Perhaps he was in that state men have of absolutely tuning out everything going on around them except for what is on their mind at the time. Or what was on the television. Was there a game on? I don’t think so.
Joy of joys, three weeks later, what happened? Just when I was about to give up hope, he brings up the conversation that I thought he hadn’t heard. He said that he just needed time to absorb what I had said. He let me know that he feels the same way. He loves me, too. He understands me better now than he did before. He loves me more than he did before, since he knows I can open myself up to him. He said he has worried if I could tell him the thoughts buried deep inside me. He loves my candor. He still wants me!
Why do we women worry? I am positive that men don’t have these same feelings. Do they? I am a confident, capable, intelligent, usually happy woman who shouldn’t have any doubts about my worth and ability to love and be loved. I know who I am. Why worry?
I have made a vow to never worry like this again. Ever.
At least until the next time I bare my soul.