First Date – A Little Bitty Bow Let Me Down: Or How to be Exposed in One Simple Move

Wrap dress 2 edited

Wrap dress 2 edited“Fashion changes, but style endures.” Coco Chanel

It’s odd. Since I have now become single again, I have had a few relationships, but not many dates. Just as when I was a younger woman, I get nervous the first time I am meeting someone. My clothing, hair and makeup need to be perfect. Kind of. That usually depends on what I have been writing and if I have left enough time to put anything decent on before my date arrives to pick me up. Most of the time, that means running a brush through my hair and making sure all the chocolate is washed from my mouth.

This time, I had a date with a friend–one of those friends who could be a bit more than a friend if I wanted it to. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to, but I decided to try.

So this time, I took some time with my appearance.  I wanted to boost my confidence a bit and  feel I looked the best I could, for me. OK, a little bit for him.

I thought I would doll myself up for a change.  I picked out  a little dress, one that wraps around your body and is held together only by a single bow at the left side of the waist. I took time with my hair and makeup, no quick five-minute maintenance this time. I put on my vanilla-y perfume and some little black heels. I scrounged up some jewelry and figured I was as decked out as I could be…for me.

I even put on some pretty underwear, under my little wrap dress. As I had learned in my speech training. I have always dressed in frilly, lacy underwear, even under business skirt suits. That usually did the trick to make me feel pretty and confident. I certainly did not expect the night to lead to the bedroom–this was a first date, after all–but the prettier I felt, even underneath, the better.

I didn’t look bad at all! I even had a few minutes to write before he got here to take me out. And to wash the chocolate from my mouth, again.

We went to a fun little restaurant/bar.  It has great food and incredible raspberry lemon drops. The music is a bit loud sometimes, but that gives you a chance to lean in closely to say something in your date’s ear. It’s a lively place and full of fun people. I ate heartily, drank only one raspberry lemon drop and was having a great time.

When it came time to leave, there were still plenty of people around. My date, polite as he could be, was behind me as I slid out of the booth, carefully traversed the one step to the floor and stood up.

Remember that one little tie that held my dress together? I suppose that all of that exertion of eating and talking and laughing and being cute and funny was just too much for it. It gave way the minute I stood up. Yep. I was completely exposed. There were still plenty of people around. They saw. There was a smattering of applause. I shrugged, gave a little sheepish grin, tied my one little bow to hold my dress together, bowed slightly and walked out of the restaurant with my head held high and a slight smile on my face.

Mom had always taught me that if you do something, do it with flair. I was too embarrassed to have done anything with flair. But I never let on how embarrassed I was and I held my head high. Mom, you would have been proud of me. And I even had clean undies on, just as you always taught! They were even pretty, lacy clean undies.

As far as my date is concerned, he never saw the undies and never knew what the fuss in the restaurant was about. I’ll never tell!

But my next first date, I shall wear something with buttons, down the back and lots of them!

The Agony of Waiting for a Man to Respond

Head in her hands - George Hodan“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”    ~~ Paulo Coehlo

“If you are not long, I will wait for you all my life.”  ~~ Oscar Wilde ~~

 

 

 

 

I’m slowly learning that when I ask a man a question, I should never take offense and worry when they don’t answer me. There are those who answer immediately. Then there are those who, after you opened your heart and soul, you expressed  your innermost thoughts, sit and say nothing. Or, if you are on the phone or chatting with them online, change the subject or say they have to go. Or they excuse themselves and leave the room! When this first happened to me–well, not the first time, but many–I was absolutely mortified. I had said too much. I had shared something too intimate. I had spoken too soon. Had I embarrassed him? Had I hit a nerve somewhere? Oh, dear heavens, why on earth did I say that?

What kinds of things did I say? Scary things, like I love you. You have touched my life in so many ways and I am so grateful to you. You have the cutest bottom. I think about you all the time. You are the most important person in my life. I am IN love with you. When I am in meetings and should be paying attention. I am daydreaming about you kissing me. I feel your hands on my body. I see great things ahead for us. I love you so much. I can’t stop thinking about you.  Scary things. VERY scary things.

I lived sometimes for days in a state of wondering where my relationship stood. In ways, things went on just as always. He was still talking to me. Our phone calls and conversations went on as usual. There seemed to be no changes at all. But I was hurt. I had shared my secrets, my thoughts, my longings, my deepest feelings. And nothing! Yes, there was something different about the relationship–me! The pain of opening myself up to him, not knowing how it would be received, then to be met with silence, was agony beyond belief.

I worried nonstop. Should I ask him? No, I feared I would be afraid of his response. He would have decided he wanted nothing more to do with me. I had said something too soon and he wasn’t ready at all. He would want to slow down the relationship–or quit seeing me altogether. He would think what I had said was silly and treat it as a joke. Would he ever say anything, after all this time? Would he? Oh, my Lord, he might! But he hasn’t. Maybe he won’t at all. Because he hasn’t said anything yet, does he just want to cover it up and pretend it never happened? But it came from my soul! How dare he just think it meant nothing and just sweep it under the carpet! Was he the right one after all if he could just dismiss what I had said? Maybe I was wrong. He ISN’T the right one! How cruel is he to just push this away and treat it as if it never happened. Nope. I should just forget him. I should just wash that man right outta my hair.

But he seems SO right. He knows just when to rub my neck or my feet. Without asking, he will just start massaging, until I purr with contentment. He brings me chocolate, my favorite chocolate, from my favorite candy store. He even knows which, out of all the varieties, are the four I love the most. He calls me during the day, just for a second or two, just to say he’s thinking about me. He sends books to my Kindle, knowing my favorite authors and the types of books I am looking for. He emails me links to love songs. He kisses me in just the right place, knowing instinctively I love to be kissed there, that it melts me every time he does. The way he looks at me when I walk into a room, even when it is full of others, that I have brought light into the room. He sees no one but me. He tells me, sweetly, kindly, how beautiful I am. He smiles that brilliant grin that I have only seen directed to me.

Oh, man. I blew it. I should never have said a thing to him, never opened up. But I just knew he would understand me, as he has before. Am I worrying too much? No! Why hasn’t he said something to me? He should know how important this was. He hates me.

I have heard it said that women worry more about what men are thinking than men actually spend time thinking. So, this time, am I over-thinking this? Am I making too much of this? Had he even heard my innermost, personal, intimate thoughts? Maybe he hadn’t. Perhaps he was in that state men have of absolutely tuning out everything going on around them except for what is on their mind at the time. Or what was on the television. Was there a game on? I don’t think so.

Joy of joys, three weeks later, what happened? Just when I was about to give up hope, he brings up the conversation that I thought he hadn’t heard. He said that he just needed time to absorb what I had said. He let me know that he feels the same way. He loves me, too. He understands me better now than he did before. He loves me more than he did before, since he knows I can open myself up to him. He said he has worried if I could tell him the thoughts buried deep inside me. He loves my candor. He still wants me!

Why do we women worry? I am positive that men don’t have these same feelings. Do they? I am a confident, capable, intelligent, usually happy woman who shouldn’t have any doubts about my worth and ability to love and be loved. I know who I am. Why worry?

I have made a vow to never worry like this again. Ever.

I think

At least until the next time I bare my soul.

MEN!

SYMMETRY

SymmetryPlease read my heart. not my mind
For there dwells the true desire of my soul.
And where my life truly is.

Put aside reason for
Love exists only for itself, seeks out only what it knows
.Reason knows not the things of the heart.

A heart must be broken
So that love has a way to enter
And to learn how to love as we suffer.

Pain teaches us to yield body and mind
To the soul.
Once the soul is open, love begins to flow.

As we learn to feel love,
We must give it away.
Without question.

When we share our love, unconditionally
Without any expectation of any kind
Love comes to us without end.

We must lose ourselves, break our hearts
So we can find what is seeking entrance
To our souls.

My heart is open
Ready for us to discover all the magic, all
the Universe’s mysteries and the glories of life.

Please read my heart. not my mind
For there dwells the true desire of my soul.
And where my life truly is.

 

Ceola McKay
April 5, 2013

Time to Fly

Ceola McKay

A long time ago, I went to see the new movie with a new star, Ali McGraw, in it, based upon the Philip Roth book, “Goodbye Columbus”. I fell in love with the movie, the book, the young man I was with and the Association’s song, “Hello Life, Goodbye Columbus”:

Got to say hello, it’s a lucky day

Kiss the moon goodbye and be on our way

It’s a lucky day ’cause I found you

Gonna build a new world around you

Touch the sun and run, it’s a lucky day

Hello life, Goodbye Columbus

I’ve got a feeling that you’re gonna hear from us

You’re gonna know that we’ve taken the world by surprise by the look in our eyes

It’s a lucky day just for changin’, leavin’ the old world behind

Lucky day for walkin’ a new road just to clear your mind

It’s a day for startin’ a new way

Tellin’ the old one goodbye

Lucky day for gettin’ above it.

Spread your wings and fly.

Well, world, I am spreading my wings. I’ve been out in the world on my own for two years now. I spent some time in hiding, growing, figuring out where I belong, who I am again and what I am supposed to do.

I’m done hiding and planning. It’s time to do what I can here to do, to find out those truths around us, the secrets of life, the joys of love. A good friend of mine recently told me that I was like a butterfly, newly emerged from my cocoon, and just beginning to stretch my wings out to fly. I like the image of that and it definitely describes my new life.

I was married for many, many years, to a man who was abusive in many ways, extremely controlling and who didn’t  want me to grow much at all. As long as he had everything he needed from me, he felt no need to have me be anything other than the woman who kept his house. Since I’ve been free, I’ve taken so many long road trips, flew to a few places, met some people from my past (one of them was the young man who took me to “Goodbye Columbus”!),  got several new jobs,have created my own business and am  trying to decide where I fit into the world, I have a few new relationships, all very different, and not what you might think, all wonderful!

I am learning, seeking, exploring, discovering and growing! Isn’t life grand?

I am loving my mariposa self in the fascinating world of love and sexuality, of life and the truths that are out there for me to find. I’m not sure where all of this is leading, where in the world my searches may take me and what people I will meet along the way, but I am sure it will be quite a flight.

I am positive that the best of my life is still ahead,  I’m enjoying the freedom of flight!

 

 

So It Begins

ItTrees, snow and bridgeI have the greatest life imaginable. I live in a place I adore. I have the best friends the world has ever seen. I am a confident, caring woman who searches after truth. With my computer, camera,  Kindle and smartphone, I am in touch with the world wherever I roam. I love life and the new horizons always waiting there for me, just ahead. I love the world around me.I love the heavens above.

People are each so different and I long to hear their stories. Every person I meet is a whole new world. I have never met someone I have not found something wonderful about, something that is worthy of love, something that is in them and in no one else.

Each day that arrives and each time the stars shine is a new experience to be treasured and valued. I love the ocean and the forest. I love the lakes and the streams. I love the fields of lavender and the fireweed in the Olympics in the spring. I am in love with life, happy, peaceful and content.

On the surface.

In search of wisdom, I am reaching deep inside the darkest, most inaccessible place I know. Myself..

Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” While those mysteries within  me are not as accessible as the wisdom of the ages or anything new on the internet, the desire to find out who I really am and why I am here has become an adventure. It’s not a simple matter of hitting some keys and all the research I want is at my fingertips.It is digging deep inside my heart and my mind, trying to discover why I am here and what my purpose is in this life. It is accepting all that I find within myself, my strengths and talents, as well as my faults and shortcomings. It is having the strength and love to accept all that I see, without conditions, in everyone I met. It is not judging others as well as myself.

It is in finding the beauty, the sheer glory of all that was created in the world. It  is learning not to hide from what I find. It is having the strength to accept all I see. It is loving all that strikes a chord within me, all that rings the bell of truth loudly in my head. It is listening to the nuances of a conversation, hearing underneath the pain or the joy, instead of just the words. It is listening to hearts and not minds. It is not accepting the injustice done to either me or others. It is not accepting what others what me to be. It is not indifference.

This is a journey, one slow, pain-filled step at a time followed by a victorious marathon of a hundred miles.

This journey is a voyage of discovery, in a world of unfathomable mysteries, of indescribable beauty and joys beyond belief, beyond this Universe itself.

This is a journey of love.